/hell/ - internet death cult

I'm addicted to sadness. It's so comforting to let go and drop into the depths of despair. However every time I do, I find myself in a worse position than before. Living in limbo until old age takes away the last option, blinded by the golden light of memories, what a pathetic existence!

Why do nice people die instead of me?
I should've died long ago, it's so unfair.

Things don't really get better quantitatively. Just a little less worse.

It is important to embrace aloneness.
In aloneness one finds what is lacking in them.
In aloneness one also finds what they can draw from themselves.
In longing for a simple trailing hand along my shoulders, slim arms wrapped around my waist, a head upon my chest, murmuring sweetly, and softly to me, I find that I identify not a need but a lack, a want not only in the sense of a desire, but in what is wanting in me. And I find pain. But is this touch which simmers, which tells me "i love you" or "I want you" something that I need for what I am, for what I am meant to be? A name is that which is intimately connected to the meaning of a being, the purpose, the logos to the telos. And if my name, my little logos, is to be become an immortal name, the essential and eternal expression of itself in the cosmic order, is this beloved, this other necessary? Are the love of a father, strong and benevolent, of a mother, sweet, receiving and unconditional, of a lover, taking of yourself, accepting your love, and returning it of herself, of a friend, ever accepting, sharpening, drawing you further to your goal, or of any other love of another person necessary?
Is it necessary to make my name an eternal name, my self a divine self.
It is the central truth of the Christian religion, that God became man so that man could become god, and that indeed, men can become gods, serving the Maker of Heaven and Earth. This is what it means to have an immortal name. This is what glory is, to become a god, to become an expression of an eternal idea. And for so long, for so very long, I have longed not for this, but merely, to be human, to be loved by a beloved, to be accepted as a man among men, a human among humans. And the lesson of my aloneness is that this is not necessary for the eternal idea of what I was made to be. Beneficial? Yes. Good? Yes. Life-affirming, a blessing? All yes. But not necessary. Not the purpose.
I can be alone, unloved, unaccepted, untouched, and I am meant to be for a season, or perhaps for longer than a season.

I used too care about everything a lot, but over time I got desensitized to both positive and negative emotions.
Staying up all night with the sinking feeling that comes with the understanding that you ate slowly withering away slowly turns you into a nihilist.
I still remember the night when I curled up in bed and prepared for my daily existential crisis, only to find that I felt nothing.
It honestly was a relief.
The exception to this is a constant tang of nostalgia and anemoia for simpler times.

there's a nice sciencey youtuber that I watch sometimes but in her last video i started having lewd thoughts about her and I feel bad because I haven't been coomer brained like this in 5+ years and i always hated being coomer when i was in my teens and early 20s.
i always thought she was pretty but this is different, it's very primitive and lecherous. i hate it and i hate myself for falling back into this shit.

I'm getting stressed while preparing for a competition a few months out… I don't know how I can improve to become better and I fear like there is not enough time. Everyone around me improves faster than I do, and I have been in the same place. Is it time to call it quits or keep pushing on? Who knows

Hey everyone. I'm the OP of this thread.
I think it's a very open secret that I was the one doing most of the ranting at a certain time.
Just wanted to say that the blues sadly still didn't go away. And that due to dealing with some awful people I had quit browsing the board.
Honestly even ranting got lost in value too, it's not gonna change anything, and may just make me a target.
My only condolences is for people on the site because certain bad agents got here and it's all my fault. I thought people could be trustworthy, but sadly that's not the case, and it all leaked here. Even if I were to call them out and mention why what they've participated in is wrong, my life is bigger than words on a screen, and I'm sure creating more quarrels in an already quarrel-filled world isn't the best.
It's a shame, but I can't do it. Night everynyan~.

>>5140
keep your head high

I can't stop looking at gore videos from war zones but there's only so many pictures of babies with their heads blown off my heart can't take it anymore. But I still keep watching because someone has to see it. I feel exhausted and fatigued just by watching it. I feel like shit. Yesterday, I saw a video where a guy had his leg sliced off by shrapnel and was just screaming in the streets until people came and rescued him. I don't think he made it. I saw a guy carrying what was left of his son in a plastic bag. It was just mush and there was a lifeless arm hanging out. So this is where my tax money goes? I don't feel like eating anymore. I want to die. I turn it off to make it stop but I get then I realize the people over there can't just close the tab. They have to deal with that while I'm an ungrateful little NEET whining about my comfortable life. The worst thing is feeling like you can't do anything to help them.

I didn't remember posting it until I saw this thread on the front page and browsed through but I wrote >>4678 almost exactly a year ago. Funnily enough I'm also procrastinating right now too. I don't really remember the details of the state of mind I was in at the time and apparently have a weak memory of past introspection, but I am pleased to say I am probably not as depressed as I think I might have been a year ago. I don't get tears welling up every day at the slightest hint of feelings or hardship anymore and I got a new job that is a little more conducive to affording myself a modicum of ambition, something I always thought I'd like to have but never had much energy for.

I haven't started the new job yet though, and these past few months with no work to do have gone by fast. I've been bored and miserable, sitting at home getting fat alternating between skipping sleep to mindlessly browse the web all night and lying in bed for days at a time. It's a little sad because my last stint in unemployment was the happiest couple years I can remember, but I think I'm just not cut out for the good NEET life anymore. I've always been goal-oriented and become unhappy when I have no immediate mission and can't find one. I feel like I was more engaged with my interests and hobbies back then so it was easier to find a fulfilling use for the limitless time. Of course it might be my memory playing tricks on me again making me think I was more content then than I really was, since I know I did have some very self-destructive habits and was living on shrinking savings ignoring the fact that I would soon be broke. I still have terrible habits but not as bad and not all the same ones. It's slow and difficult but being able to stay in school makes me feel like I'm kind of doing something with myself longer-term other than rotting away. Hopefully once I start working again I can get into a good routine with the rest of my life too. Besides poor impulse control aimlessness, lack of a consistent routine seems to be one of the biggest contributing factors to my misery. It lets me just waste away for weeks or months not getting anything done until I realize how long it's been and start freaking out about the passage of time and getting even more depressed and useless. My last job really sucked most of the time but I guess I'm grateful it allowed me to learn these things about myself and figure out how to somewhat manage my problems.

>>5140
Glad to have you back. I disappear for a bit too but it's always nice to post here again. I'm sure we both know that people will always fight on the internet but I don't think it's worth dwelling too much on it. Anyways, thanks for bumping this thread. Finding my old post let me process some thoughts and get a bit of perspective on the way I've been feeling lately.

Today I woke up early. Thanks to that I had the time to think how senseless my live is.

>>5142
I've seen some stuff I shouldn't have too.

Making yourself suffer because others do isn't healthy and helps nobody. Stop watching those videos. That doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

My mother started a lecture to me that I should get a better job and try to become more self-sufficient. It was a hard conversation that lasted from dinner to when she came into my room to tell me about a family member she had. The conversation started with her own life and how she came from a poor family and how her mother had six children and had to work 6 days a week to support her family and eventually buy her our house, and then, about her (my mother's) own life and how she went from job to job, seeminly getting paid less and less each time before coming to her current job the pays her well. When she finally came into my room, she was telling me about that family member who ended up getting a degree, quitting that job, getting another job, getting laid off, getting married to a foreigner, and losing everything to a scam. It ended with her telling me that I must become self-sufficient otherwise I will end up being unable to support myself when they die. She had actual tears in her eyes. I had been stonefaced the entire time.

This is what I wanted to say to her, but I didn't because I knew if I did, I was going to lose my composure.

Mother, it is already too late for me. I have lost any kind of hope for myself years ago. Before even high school ended, I knew I would be in this place. Even with that, I have kept my head high and tried to achieve more than I had ever hoped to achieve. I got a degree, I studied, I paid off my own car. Even with that, even with seemingly passing the bounds I thought were set for me, I knew I wouldn't get far. Ever since I turned 25 and lost my insurance, thus losing any ability to get medicine for my ADHD. Without that medicine, the path to get a career is a cliff that I must climb.

Unfortunately, I really can't type any more. Not because I'm overwhelmed with sadness or unable to tell my tale, but because I've just grown numb to the entire thing. I can feel my spirits coming back up again. I've been doing a lot better, but the process of finding a job and continuing my education terrifies me. I've done self-studying, and I know I can do it, but I look at what I must achieve, and I freeze up in fear. I look at jobs and I feel like I'm not good enough for a job that doesn't even pay a living wage. Sometimes, I feel depressed when I think about my future, but most times, I've accepted that I'll end up killing myself when shit finally hits the fan. I have moved on from the dread of non-existence and don't feel much pressure to keep continuing. My siblings have a fine life, and I fear more for their safety and future than mine. It's a weird feeling because I bet they'd feel bad if I died. It's just that I really don't care? Do I not care? I have accepted my fate long ago and am happy knowing they will do fine in the future.

I cannot tell my mother this because I've always known that if I did, it would very much break her heart. Even after this conversation, she was almost in tears. I am acting as if everything is alright for her sake. I am acting ignorant because maybe if I do that, it'll hurt less when things do finally come crashing down. I'm sorry for the pain, mother. No one asked for this.

My half romantic half platonic friend for the last year has finally found someone else. We spent at least a bit of time together every day, so it feels strange and off that she is occupied with someone else now. I was formerly a khhv, but she was my first everything. We got physical earlier this year when she came to visit. When she went back, we decided that long distancing was kind of shit and not a proper way to make a relationship work. Still, we wanted to remain friends and kept talking every day. It never really felt like the door to a relationship with her was closed until now though, until she found someone else. I feel sad and physically ill just typing this. It makes no sense, because I didn't really see a future for us and still it feels like my whole soul is crying. I suppose there has to be a first time for this feeling too and I know it will pass, but goddamn. I'm starting to develop this horrible habit of checking what she's up to all the time, so I best try to put a stop to that as soon as possible. Connecting with people never really is all sunshine rainbows. Hopefully all this unpleasantness will feel like it was worth it when I look back at it in the future.

I'm thinking of committing social suicide again. As in cutting off everyone I know, quitting sites, cutting off people I know online and disappearing. I want to disappear.
When your such a disappointment to everyone the best thing to do is just leave.

>>5146
I can't stop. I feel like someone has to see it because other people won't look. What else am I supposed to do? Ignore people's suffering? I feel like I have to do something but there isn't anything I can do.

>>5158
>Ignore people's suffering?
wtf is watching it going to achieve?
wow yeah you really helped by sharing in their suffering by just watching them die. stop watching that shit, you're not ignoring it at that point, you're already aware of it.

I have no electricity. I have no property. I have no food. And soon I will have no home. The only thing I have left is my car, provided that it doesn't die. I just don't even know what to do. My cost of living has eclipsed my income, and I've dried up every option. I guess I'm just not allowed to live in this world anymore.

>>5164
How did this happen, sushi?

>>5166
A few months ago I had a health crisis at work, and had to leave my job. I spent the next few months studying and gaining certifications and licenses in several fields, so that I could get a job that is more accommodating to my condition. Unfortunately, no such jobs existed in my area. After several months of loading up my life expenses on credit cards, I'm now back at my previous job making less than a living wage. I just can't catch up to all the late bills, and the credit cards keep piling up. The power company shut off my electricity after failing to pay for so long, and once my apartment company notices, they can kick me out for failing to keep "liveable standards" since I have no power. I just don't even know what to do anymore.

>>5167
Well, first of all you need to to learn about personal finances and start tracking all your income, spendings and obligations. I only know of Dave Ramsey out of all resources in English, bet it is not hard to find more help on the Internet. Although I understand why you would do it, taking a loan to cover living expenses is a grave mistake and you are living the consequences. I believe first thing should be ensuring you have somewhere to live, so paying these the bills is a priority. Next is the interest. I would bring up your situation with your employer, or union if there is one at your workplace. If you are not already, consider working a side job on the weekends. You won't get out of this without sacrificing your time and energy.

>>5170
I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I need to say that you have no idea what you are talking about. "Taking a loan is a grave mistake" as opposed to what? Being evicted? Starving? When you have no money, borrowing is preferable to homelessness. I have studied Dave Ramsey's course, and he's a jackass who thinks that investment now still works the same way as it did in the 1980s. He puts all the blame on people who borrow money because he wasted his credit on fancy cars and homes, as if people don't have real legitimate things that they spend money on out of desperation. I work in a kitchen, we don't have unions, we don't have pay raises, and there are no other jobs in my area. I've applied to 60 fucking jobs and had over 20 interviews, and there's nothing. I'm working 7 days a week, I don't have weekends. And I still can't break even because of how dogshit living expenses are right now.

Again, I really appreciate that you're trying to help, but you don't know what you're talking about. And neither does Dave Ramsay for that matter.

>>5171
My advice is perfectly valid, it is only your situation that is so utterly hopeless. Can't vouch for Dave Ramsay, I have no good idea what he exactly preaches.

>>5172
god i fucking hate this character.

my doctor said I might be dying. I still have to do more tests. tests after tests after tests. it feels never ending and I just want an answer.
I keep thinking about how if I am, dying, when I die it's not going to make much of a difference to anyone. my whole life feels like it's just been empty and meaningless. I've spent so long trying to change things, hoping that something would happen. that the pieces would click in place, and my plans would work out, and things would be different.
but it never has,
and I guess maybe it never will.

if anything, everything has just gotten worse.
year after year after year, each one a little worse than the last.
it feels like everything I loved has disappeared in these last few years.
now this.

I don't even know why I'm posting this here, I'm just sad and scared and I don't know what to do.

>>5247
wait what..?! sushi…

So one of my close friends passed away recently.
Chatted online almost daily, used to see eachother much more to drink beer and shoot the shit but he studied in other cities last couple of years. Knew him for something like 15 years.
Have other friends/aquaintances, but only people I meet at most a couple of times a year without much contact inbetween. Going to be lonelier times ahead.

At least I dont feel like there was anything left unsaid I should have expressed, and the last time we met was the first time we and a friend in common ate out at a real restaurant together.

You just figure somehow that you'd still be there at 50 sharing beers checking up on eachother, you know?

>>5247
Good luck Sushi. I hope you're doing okay.

I’ll never be loved. I’ll never love someone else.

I'm terrified of what happens next in my life. i want to be out of school finally but im scared of what a full time job entails and how i will handle it. ive been struggling balancing work, school, and my internship. my internship seems the most steady but my money is running out and for my job i only work on the weekends (since im in school/the internship the rest of the week). school has also been hard keeping up with the schoolwork. what should i do?

>>5273
keep at it. work hard, study. it oays off (in stem)

My friend is dead. Memento mori.

This imageboard in one image.

Felt like I had to choose between my job and my humanity today. During my night patrols, I found a homeless person hiding in the restrooms, literal minutes before I left the building. They had no feet, said that they lost them both due to a diabetes infection. I had a choice right then. I could have just pushed them out of the building, which is what my job required me to do. They were trespassing, so my job was to either get them off of property or sic the cops on them. But I had to really think for a moment. This was a 70+ year old homeless disabled person, who I would be forcing out into -14C weather after midnight. I had to think, do I really do something this evil just to protect my job? I tried to get them set up with either a shelter or a motel room, but there was nothing available nearby. So I decided to let them stay for about an hour to gather their things, wash their clothes, and I gave them some cash for food.

Why is the society I live in so evil? Why should it fall to me, just a guy doing an average job, to decide whether this person lives or dies? They should have been allowed to get their medications. They should have been allowed to go to the doctor for preventative care so that they didn't have to lose their goddamn FEET. They should have had a reasonable way to get a place to sleep while snow was on the ground. But no, none of those things are true. So now I have to feel personally responsible for whether or not this person dies tonight.

I did what I could. I gave them some time, some warmth, and some money. But it's up to the society around me to decide whether or not they survive the next month. I hate it. I just want people to be ok. But I also don't want to lose my goddamn job for allowing people to stay on company property past closing time. I gave that person an hour to get their stuff together, and I may very well get fired for it, since I technically should have kicked them out immediately. But fuck me, I wasn't going to do that.

Had to put down my cat

>>5854
I'm sorry.

uhh i'm kinda really starting to really dislike being an alcoholic

I've been trying to keep the first relationship I've ever had alive for the past year. I tried so fucking hard, but as time went on, it became more and more obvious she stopped caring a long time ago.

Yesterday morning she told me she feels trapped and that she was basically only still with me because she didn't want to make either of us feel bad due to the breakup. I never wanted to break up with her, but she was simply incapable of providing the most basic expectations as a partner. I couldn't bring myself to ever say it to her, but I just let it slip out. Now it's over.

When we met around two and a half years ago, she used to be so interested in me, but for the past year it just feels like she's barely cared enough to even give me the time of day. I'd text her and my messages would just go ignored, only for her to respond hours later with something completely irrelevant. I don't know what the fuck happened. At first she was perfect. We drowned each other in love and affection. We did so much together all the time. I met her entire family and they all loved me, all the while I lost what small amount of family I had left, leaving only my brother and I. Her family made me feel like I belonged. I never realized how alone I felt in this city since I moved here, until we met. I forgot how to be myself. I don't even like the things I used to enjoy. I don't know what to do other than think of her.

What the fuck happened? I'm sorry I'm not the perfect guy. You say I'm immature. You say I'm irresponsible. You say I'm clumsy, and that I'm unaware. You tell me I didn't live up to your expectations. You never respected me, but you never supported me either. You only put me down after every mistake. You never had any empathy for me. I had boundless empathy and patience for you. Everyone tried to tell me you were bad for me, but I wanted to prove everyone wrong. I had to believe there was good within you. I knew you better than anyone. You shared with me so many of your vulnerabilities, which must have been so incredibly difficult for you to do. I wanted to understand you. I thought that if we understood each other, we could support one another. You never seemed capable of caring about anything but yourself. You're so vulnerable, aren't you? You can't help but direct every drop of emotional energy inward. I never wanted to hurt you. I couldn't bring myself to conjure up any of the venomous rhetoric that would so effortlessly roll off your tongue. And even after everything you've done to me, I still can't help but remain so in love with you. No wonder you have no respect for me. I must have no respect for myself, right?

I miss what we had so much. I wish you valued the time we spent together as much as I do. I'd give anything to have it again. I don't want to live a life without you.

>>5853
really nice of you, normies would have just kicked him out and probably verbally and or physically abused him on top
I had insane amounts of meaningless conflict and torment in my life and I came to believe there are A LOT of people who make it their life's mission to make other's miserable

I give up so much time to people I think are friends, only for them to go "don't care lol" at the end.

I wish there was a way to know who the real ones are.

>>5869
test them. ask for help. if they cant go out of their way to help you they fake

>>5869
There is no true friendship in the world.

>>5867
At least you had that experience.

>>5870
don't just flippantly test your frens. is really hurtful to exactly the ones that you are trying to keep.

>>5854
You did the right thing sushi roll, there have been times I wish I had put them down sooner, letting them die naturally can be a nasty experience, it's better for them to not have to suffer

>>5872
You're right, and I'll never forget it.

I want to be grateful for what we shared, but I can't help but feel so disappointed that something I, at least, found so incredibly beautiful apparently wasn't worth nurturing. I don't understand. I was there with her, I saw her smile. I heard her laughs. Why am I the only one that valued that happiness? Life felt so simple, so pure, during the early days that we were getting to know each other. She had me hooked on her so quick and so deep. After only the second time we hung out, I couldn't spend any time by myself without obsessively thinking of her. I was reliving my youth with her. And at the same time, she made me feel so fulfilled. Like I had a handle on life. Like we had everything figured out. Without her, everything feels meaningless. A waste of time and effort. I don't see the point in anything I'm doing by myself. Just watch TV. Just play a game. Just go to work. Even without much support, just her being around motivated me so much. As long as she was waiting for me at home, waiting for me to get out of work, I could've had any shit job in the world and I'd still come home happy. I have nothing to come home to now except for a shitstye of an apartment and my own misery.

Despite how fucked up my life is compared to before, I think I'll always be glad that I met her. I cherish, almost worship, everything we experienced and shared with one another. It hurts so much that she doesn't value it even half as much as I do.

I want to have had a normal social life. I want to have a girlfriend and have sex. I want to be protected by a girl and let her hug me tight. But this won't happen because I can't socialize. I'm so lonely…

>>5881
Got a problem with that?

My significant one (by mail) finally left me. I expected that happening but its still very unpleasant experience. No more sweet lies every day, nobody asking for my attention every hour, more free time, its going to be fine in few weeks, in a month.

You always make yourself believe that and then bam and its all was just a child's play all along.

I read Bible when i feel suicidal. My bookmark was at Ecclesiastes, ah all is vain, but you have to be positive and do what you can.